Oh how I saw God move. But to be honest, at first it didn’t feel like enough.
In early April I sent out my letters and I soon began to see my funds grow. It was so amazing to see people care enough about me to donate, and it was so exciting when people reached out to me to share their thoughts about my trip. It was inspiring when someone sacrificed their income to help me attend STP, and I felt honored and in awe of their commitment to what Christ had called them to do.
Late April hit though, and I became less thankful and more hopeful. Not that having hope is a bad thing, but I became a little too obsessed with my account. Instead of checking online to see how much God HAD provided through the people around me, I became disappointed when my account numbers hadn’t changed, or didn’t meet my “expectations.” In response, I realized that I needed to start checking my account less often, but I was still struggling.
Going into this experience, I knew this would be the first time I would have to trust God financially. Preparing for STP and fundraising, I was told it would all work out, and that “God would provide.” Actually being in the situation though, doubt definitely began to creep in, and I was worried about where all this money would come from.
In the Bible studies done to help with fundraising, I noticed looking back that I would read a passage and interpret it as “God will provide.” I might as well have just written “God will provide” across my whole Bible study instead of reading different scriptures, because looking back, that is all that I allowed myself to take away from all the different scriptures (or all I really wanted to take away from the scripture). In response, throughout fundraising, I struggled with “God will provide” because I wanted him to provide me with $2600, not just provide what He sees fit. It’s hard to put your trust in God and to surrender to him without seeing immediate gain. I guess that is what trust is all about though, trusting through the good and the bad.
Early May I still wasn’t fully funded, but God provided me with the peace to trust in Him. I’m not really sure what triggered it. Maybe it was seeing how God had fully funded one of the other Xavier students, but whatever it was, that day I was overcome with peace. It was one of those yay God can do anything moments, and He will help guide me and support me even if that doesn’t mean providing me with 100% of the funds. On the other hand, it also felt a little foolish. Miranda, you’re really trusting God will “provide” for you even though you still need hundreds of dollars more in funding?
Yeah, I trusted in God. And while it may not always work out in this way, God provided for me, and I became fully funded right before I left for STP. While I can’t say I enjoyed trusting God in this way, or asking people for money, it was amazing to see the people around me support me. This experience taught me about being vulnerable, how I want to use my money in the future, and most importantly about trust. Trusting in God even when I feel like he isn’t moving in my life.